So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
