Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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