that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
