the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
