I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
