my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
