Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Is it because I queefed?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
