I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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