I faked an abortion last night.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I want her autograph on my taint
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
