Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
