he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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