got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
