So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
