Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
