The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
