Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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