is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
