Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
