he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
