grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
