Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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