i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
