I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
