i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
