WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
