My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
