I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
