you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
