She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
