you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Green mimosas i think yes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
