all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
