My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
