The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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