As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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