she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
