I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
