OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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