i wish peter jackson would direct porn
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
