mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
