dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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