i think my tv is drunk
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
