I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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