Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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