hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
