I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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