just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
