Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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