you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
