3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
