upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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